Author: Umm Manha
I write this blog for you, for those of you that are in a toxic friendship, I wasted a lot of time on the wrong type of friends and I know a lot of you have to but it’s time for change, if you don’t make that change, no one is going to do it for you, you suffer not your parents, siblings or friends,so the change needs to come from you so your 2020 is going to be a different one, a positive one InShaaAllah..
Bismillah, now lets begin…
The fake, the real and the snake, I am sure we all have experienced a bit of all these types of friendship at some point in our life. I have some advice for my sisters so that you don't waste your time on the wrong people. One day you may wake up and regret all the time you wasted, on people who were not real with you, people who hurt you and betrayed you.
And let me get straight to the point! Please..when you do finally let go of those types of “friends” don't think you’ve lost a “friend” when you get rid of a toxic friend and find some peace, know that you have made the right decision. With time and experience you will come to realization about who the real friends are. By losing a fake friend isn't actually losing.. Believe me you rather have no friends than be friends with a toxic, fake person. Friends are supposed to be there to uplift you and bring a good energy to your life, not vice versa.
Always remember this… when you’re in need, a true good friend will always find a way to help you, no matter what, And Fake one will always find an excuse! End of!
There are some who will appreciate you and there are some who just won't! No matter how much you go out of your way to be there for them. No matter what you DO it won’t satisfy them... These kinds of people are simply selfish and not worth having. And Selfishness affects any sort of relationship, so anyone who doesn’t work on that, it will eventually end your relationship.
Anyway if your intentions are pure, Allah will guide you,help you against the wrong people in your life,. Some day the musk does fall off, your experience will make you realize how a person is, how they behave when you need them.. When things don’t go their way, you will see their true colors. Especially when u need them, you will realize who is there and who isn’t. You will just know.
Believe me when I say this... Look out for these signs... Do not ignore them... when something is shown to you clearly do not turn a blind eye! Because than it will be your fault for putting yourself in that position i.e. being used or walked over. Allah gave us a brain so we should use it wisely.
Do not ignore what you see, hear & what you feel, especially when it's consistent i.e. the negativity, the dramas, sneakiness, the betrayal, backbiting etc. When you start to see these signs, it’s a red flag! Follow your gut feeling and distance yourself from such friends.
Especially when we get married and have children, responsibilities just takes over life and time is everything.. so to maintain friendships takes a lot of effort & time.. It’snot like those single days.. coming home from work/studying, just get ready and go chill out.. You have to make sure you have a list of 100 things ticked off before making time for friends’ e.g. having to speak to your spouse about it before hand, arranging babysitting, making sure of no appointments or outside chores, kids are fed and settled, making sure the cooking, cleaning is out of the way and much more if your living with in-laws.. Appreciate your married friends, bear in mind their playing the role of a mother/father, husband/wife, daughter in-law etc.
AS you grow you'll realize where you need to stop, who you need to prioritize... and that those who consistently throw it back on your face are not worth giving your time to... I remember I would get asked by loved ones why I go through so much trouble just to chit chat with a friend or bringing them over to my house when I couldn’t go out because I had a newborn baby etc . I would reply saying it's not just chitchatting or juicy gossips! that one conversation would change a friends mindset, uplift them and motivate and inspire them to do things differently, they would actually implement the advice and it simply helped them feel better..it is a rewarding feeling when you support a friend in need.. although I have young children which means a hectic routine I just have it in me to be there for my friends, especially those that are feeling down or going through a difficult time.. I would put things on hold to be there, support them or just simply put a smile on their face...
It is something I just couldn’t as it is in my nature to help others…but some people in my life made me dislike that side to me because people took advantages of it and I ended up getting hurt over and over. The effort & love wasn't given back let alone appreciation.. but hey that's how Allah shapes us sometimes right?.. People hurting you, eating you down and breaking your heart is also part of Allahs plan for you, it makes you who you are today. it always took the last straw for me to change a few thing.. but Alhamdulilah it is a blessing as we learn from it, it’s a lesson, Allah is the all knowing and all seeing, He knows their intentions, inner thoughts, he hears conversation you haven’t heard hence why Allah removes them, so although it hurts you at the time, he has protected you in ways you have no clue of. Allah knows us best and does what’s best for us so just trust in him even if it hurts and seem all bad..have Tawakkal (Trust) in Allah without a DOUBT! Be happy where you are in life and the people you have and do not have. Know that Allah got you where you are by a PLAN and not by ACCIDENT... He is the best of planners so how can He make a mistake..? that itself is a relief.. Alhamdulilaah..
Friends you need hold on to firmly...
Your friend is the one who mentions Allah to you in your presence and mentions you to Allah in your absence”
As you get older you realize you don't need a bunch of friends... Happiness isn’t having a bunch of friends. Happiness is having (even that) ONE TRUE loyal friend. Keeping your circle smaller is a much healthier option. The sort of friends that always find a way to be there for you. If not physically, emotionally and mentally, they always make sure that your are okay, no matter what you will just feel the support.. even from a distant!
Our Muhammed PBUH has taught the type of friends/companions we should have in our life..having friends is important to many ways BUT the right type..
He said “A Believer is like a mirror to another believer" this means to correct a friend if they make a mistake and guidethem when you see them slipping.. This day and age there isn’t much you can do. Most we can do is remind them and guide them (if they allow us to). On the day of Qiyamah you will be asked by Allah SWT why you didn't remind/guide when knew someone needed it? so you need to do your part. If they repeatedly don’t want the help and advice, just pray for them.. Dua that’s the best gift you can give to anyone and Allah knows the effort you make so don’t feel disappointed or sadden, if they didn’t allow you to help them..
Muhammad (pbuh) also warned the believers the type of friends we shouldn’t hang around with, so choosing our friends wisely is a must. He said that a person would be influenced by his friends, he told us we should be careful about who we befriend.
The reasons he said this is because it is easy to be influenced by the people we hang around with. It is easy to take on their mannerisms and qualities, you won’t even realise it. If these are good qualities then it is a good thing if otherwise they will push you away from the remembrance of Allah, the Deen and eventually lead you ashtray. We know in this day and age young people are having the peer pressure quite badly, they get themselves into relationship as young as 12 & 13 just because they want to fit in with the circle of friends they hang around with, drinking and smoking to just fit in or even look cool. Its becomes like a competition, subhanAllah! like what is going on? And of course having an bad influence doesn’t apply to young people only, any age and anyone can be misled. You must always remind yourself that shayatan is your number one enemy, anyone can be misled. I,ve heard of marriages that break due to people mixing with the wrong crowed and getting into the wrong type of company and get carried away which eventually ends their marriage sadly.. we always need to remember that shaytan is always looking forways to mislead you and having even that one wrong friend will open the door for the shaytaan to misguide you more easily because now he has support. Allah swt warns us directly in the quran about such friends.
And the Day the wrongdoer will bite on his hands (in regret) he will say, "Oh, I wish I had taken with the Messenger a way. Oh, woe to me! I wish I had not taken that one as a friend. He led me away from the remembrance after it had come to me. And ever is Satan, to man, a deserter." (Quran 25-29)
Prophet Muhammad also reiterated this point when he told the story of the blacksmith and the perfume seller. The example of a good companion (friend) in comparison with a bad one is like that of one who sells musk and the blacksmith. From the first, you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell, while from the blacksmith you would either get burned or smell a bad scent.
If you have such a friend who uplifts you, reminds you of Allah. Hold on tight, Someone who cares for your Akhira as well as your Dunya.. This is the kind of friend who wants good for you, cares for your happiness and most importantly wants to meet you in Jannah.. Allah blesses that kind of friendship, on the day of Judgment, friendship that was purely for the sake of Allah. Allah will shade them with His shade on the Day when there will be no shade except His.
I pray Allah grants us FRIENDS who are good for us, keep us in good company of those who are beneficial to us in the dunya and akhira. May He protect and guide us all always, Allhumma Aameen..